This week, like thousands and thousands of people around the world do every day, I made a comment on social media. Not everyone was going to agree with my comment. I knew that, and that was fine. But I wasn’t prepared for what came next. The nastiness was shocking. It was upsetting. They are strangers, so some people would probably say that it shouldn’t matter what they think, and it doesn’t, but some of it felt personal. Think what you want about my opinion, but there is no need to be rude.
But this post is not about that. Well, not that specifically. It was upsetting, but that night I noticed that while many people had nasty things to say, almost as many liked my comment, so presumably they agreed with me. And that made me feel good. I said something that other people were thinking too. I felt like I stood up for us. And it got me thinking. They are bullies. No different than the schoolyard bullies many of us dealt with growing up. And we probably either dealt with them by ignoring them or by fighting back. Back then I ignored them. While you never really know what you would do until you are in a situation, I would like to think that now I would probably fight back. Except the keyboard cowards. They aren’t worth my time or energy.
But what about the bully in our own minds? I’m sure we all have it. The voice that tells us that we can’t do something, we aren’t good enough, we don’t deserve the very best, we shouldn’t try something new because we might fail… What about that bully? The one that might be inside us? What do we do? Do we ignore it? Do we fight back? Do we do something completely different? Or maybe, just maybe, we believe that voice.
I’m sure many of us have had people in our lives tell us that we can do anything we want to do. Anything we put our minds to. That we can do much more than we think we can. I have – and I hope that you have too – and I’m not sure I believed them. I wondered what kinds of things they thought I could do. But now I can look back and see things I’ve done that I would never have imagined I would or could do.
I started decorating cakes.
I got through hard times. I started this blog.
I started taking pictures. I won a small amateur photo contest.
I spoke at a fundraiser. And last week, I made doughnuts.
I had never made them before. I had a recipe from a YouTube channel I love – if you bake, you have to check Cupcake Jemma out – and I did everything I could to prepare. Then I had trouble with the yeast. The only thing I use yeast for is to put it in the bread maker and let it do its magic. This recipe required activating the yeast. It didn’t seem to be working, then I looked at the jar and it said this kind doesn’t need activating, just put it in with the dry ingredients and then add the warm liquid, then the remaining ingredients. Well, it was too late for all of that. Agh! So, I played with it. Eventually, I decided to just go ahead. I was sure it wouldn’t work. The dough wouldn’t rise, and I would have wasted our ingredients and have to start over another day. I felt like a failure. Despite the fact that I didn’t even know yet that it wouldn’t work, or considered the fact that I never work with yeast, I felt like a failure.
My husband and I both have good childhood memories involving doughnuts and I was worried I would ruin his. You know, you make a food or watch a TV show that you loved when you were a kid and it’s not as good as you remember it. So, I felt like a failure because the dough might not rise, and I was worried about ruining his childhood memory. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a batch of doughnuts. And I didn’t even really realize that I had done it.
It rose! Hallelujah, the dough rose! So, I carried on. There was more that I had never done before, but when the dough rose, so did my confidence. Soon it was time to fry them. This is the fun part, and it was a team effort. My childhood memory of doughnuts is of my parents running a bakery when I was very small. In fact, it isn’t even really a memory. But I have heard the story of me having two doughnuts fresh from the fryer – one for me, and one for my doll – so many times that it feels like I can remember it. Needless to say, I wanted to try one fresh from the fryer – yes, I let it cool a bit first – so I had one of the doughnut holes. Hmmm…. It wasn’t right. I was disappointed and felt nervous about it all again. But we kept going. The doughnuts were all fried and cooled, so I made the glaze – a honey glaze that looked pretty simple to make. It was, except that it turned out that the honey we had left had crystallized so I had to melt it, and then it turned out that we didn’t have quite enough. Agh! Why couldn’t anything be simple? But we persevered. Soon all the doughnuts were glazed and just waiting.
I didn’t have the first bite. I was worried I wouldn’t love them as much as I was hoping – especially since that doughnut hole hadn’t been quite right. So, my husband happily had the first bite and I watched him. Then he made the face. The “Mmmmmm…. This is really good” face. So, I had my first bite, a little scared. And… it was amazing! I don’t usually like my baking as much as other people do, but these were delicious. It had taken such a long time – much longer than I had expected or planned on – and things kept going wrong, but they turned out so well. I was so excited that I called my mom to tell her. It felt like some kind of rite of passage, like I had come full circle or something, especially because I had never made them before, so I called my mom, so excited that I had actually done it.
What would have happened if I had listened to that bully in my head? We wouldn’t have had doughnuts. It doesn’t sound like much, but for me it was a huge accomplishment, something that I didn’t even realize I needed to do for myself. But even more than not having doughnuts – which admittedly sounds so silly – I wouldn’t have known that I could do it and felt that enormous sense of pride for doing something I didn’t know I could do.
So, I think from now on, when that bully comes into our head, we should cover our ears – well, maybe not in public – and try to just think “La la la… I can’t hear you!” And then smile, carry on with what we are trying to do, and maybe have a doughnut to celebrate.
Once again, WELL DONE! As for the bully in your head, read the book “Self-Compassion” by Dr. Kristin Neff. It’s very good and will help you to silence her. I admire you, Heather, for all of the things you have tried, whether they were successful or not. To me, the success is in having the courage to take a chance and try…and the successful (and delicious) doughnut is just the icing on the cake. 🙂
Thank you! I will check out the book. Thanks for the suggestion!